When I’m anxious or excited, my legs bounce up and down like pistons at a high RPM. It’s always funny when I’m in the middle of something that I’m engrossed in and either Jenny or someone at work will come over and comment on it.

Parker and Audrey freezing on Duxbury Bay in January, 2011. Parker kept screaming that he'd found snails, and Audrey collected purple shells.
I’ve been thinking about who I’ve become as a parent and as a person. And, in doing so, drawing a straight line back to who I was when I began this process with Jenny is a difficult, if not impossible task. Things jump into our path, and we react, we fall back on past behaviors that may have worked in the past.
It’s what happens when those behaviors don’t work that makes my legs bounce. How do we react when our systems for handling problems are not adequate? How do our patterns of behavior change when they don’t fit the situations that arise. More importantly, what do our kids see when we struggle with this?
Parker is a sponge. He doesn’t repeat what we say–how many times have you been with friends and their children and one of them repeats something that you obviously know came directly from their parents mouths–but he has picked up a lot of our mannerisms and behaviors. Which, if you think about it, is much, much more precarious. It puts pressure on you as a parent to constantly be a model. How you react to stress is how they’ll react to stress.
Personally, I am not a good model right now. I’ve been carrying too much of my stressors with me into every part of my life. Too much of my time with the kids is spent correcting, and not celebrating, and frankly, with all of the recent changes in occupation, the time I am spending with them is greatly reduced. I can’t afford to lose this time.
No more bouncing legs, at least not when it comes to matters of my family. I am going to make a correction in my tack. I’m going to be the parent they need.
And I’m going to start by making pancakes.